how he became a real boy
Okay, so I'm going to start this picspam out before 2009, even though this is a 2009 Kris Allen picspam. Why? I don't know,
I just want to. Don't be such a dick. Now something you need to know about Kris... he has no idea what he's doing. He's just
a poor, misguided soul. Here are some examples as to why Kris needs someone to dress him daily.
It makes me want to die.
It makes me want to take a chainsaw to my legs and bleed out slowly.
It does not make me want to die or mutilate myself, but it makes me want to let Kris never own a pair of scissors. (Oh, btw,
hey Katy. imma crop you out of several pictures in this picspam! I think you're swell, but you make my dick go flacid. HA!
Just kidding. I don't have a penis! But seriously, though. As far as my cropping tool is concerned, you don't exist.)
Oh, this angers me so much. I don't understand out of the 200-something people that attended his wedding, how no one
(no one!) stopped him and said, "Oh, honey, no." I don't know if he was trying to take a cue from brides who buy smaller
sized wedding gowns to lose weight. You know, like if he bought a suit that was two sizes too big then maybe he could... grow
to fit it? Like it was a goal? To grow a few inches at 23 years-of-age? LOOK, I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE'S SWIMMING IN THAT
THING AND IT'S MAKING ME ANGRY. LET'S MOVE ON.
Ah, yes. American Idol, the show that brought Kris Allen to the masses (unwillingly). You didn't really see Kris a whole lot in
the beginning. They showed about two seconds of his audition (thankfully you can view all of it here Oh, look! The judges are
giving him shit for being honest! It's adorable!), but he did show off his rad newspaper boy hat (and by rad, I mean white boy
chic). Look at those baggy jeans! They're disgusting! I want to throw up!
So obviously he went to Hollywood and he got through to the Top 36. No one really knew or care, because they didn't show
him at all. Like... at all. Oh, wait! He was part of the kick-ass group White Chocolate. Yeah, that about sums up Kris's
screen time during Hollywood week. But listen to the harmonizing! The warm vocals! The interesting phrasing! Whoo!
The next time we saw Kris was Group Two week of the semi-finals. He was dancing like a spaz and all of America was like,
"Aw, aren't you just a cute thing? I can't take you seriously, though."
And then he performed Man in the Mirror! And it was a'ight, dawg! There was one point where he like, spins his arm like he's
making a lasso. Watching it, I was like, "Oh, shit, this Macaulay Culkin bitch means BIDNEZ."
All the David Archuleta fangirls were like, "Hmm, I like this kid's style." And you know what? He was voted to the Top 12! Still,
no grown woman could, in good conscious, be sexually-attracted to a guy that looked like a shoe-in for an Old Navy juniors'
department commercial. I mean, look at him! How was he allowed to perform at such a late time on a school night?
Then he had a little bit of a five o'clock shadow going on and he got better HAIR and suddenly it was like, "Oh, really, Kris?"
And then... "Ain't No Sunshine" happened.
I felt fooled and tricked, tbh. And lied to. Who knew under all those JCPenney's sale items, there was a sexy, hot guy? When
he got to the bridge, he started swinging his arms around like he was a slave to the music or some shit. He was like
Rainman with the faucet turned on. I felt like his balls dropped right there on stage, in front of America.
And each week he just got better...
White tees! Guitars! Obscure ballads! (I know, it won the Oscar, but Bobby from the Jiffy Lube didn't know that.)
Properly fitted suits! Henleys!
By the end of his Idol journey, he had aged about four years. Chris Hansen was like, "oh nvm"
Side-by-side pics of his first week of Idol competition to the last. Kris Allen's a MAN.
Oh, so fun, little-known fact! Kris won. I know, right? And good thing too, because as the winner, he had to do a bunch of
press the following couple of weeks. Talk shows, carpets, etc etc.
And dude. He was so hot.
2009: post-finale press
After all the press died down (Arkansas knows how to use their phones!), he dove right into rehearsals for the Idols Live Tour.
Oh, the tour. I think it's my favorite Kris-related era of 2009. He just looked good. Really good. The hair, the clothes, the way he
carried himself... it was just all good.
2009: idols live tour
Katy who? Adam who? Kris was fully commited to making love to that piano and guitar every night. You're all sexually-
frustrated right now. Don't even front.
Okay, there are some standouts in Kris's style that you should know, and lucky for you, I've lined them out below! (Yay, no
critical thinking portion of this test!)
2009: kris's favorite things
He ditched the loose 2008 jeans for tighter ones in 2009 that show off his curvy and girly hips. UNF!
He likes them.
He really likes them.
This is a style that I'm glad he picked up. They look great on his broad shoulders. (Also, that's Adam's jacket in the first
picture. Yay, filled my Kradam quota!)
He just gives off that sexy douche vibe that I can't get enough of when he's wearing sunglasses.
God, he's just gorgeous in nerdy glasses. He's like if Buddy Holly were a gay porn star.
Ah, birthday plaid. It is a common staple of Kris Allen fandom. It is called birthday plaid because he bought the shirt on his
birthday. Now thinking about it, it's really creepy that we know this, and I really can't remember how we do... Anyway!
Semantics! He looks hot in it and he wears it all.the.time.
He... looks cute in them? idk, I just know that Kris likes 'em. But hey! He doesn't have to worry about unforgiving camera flash
when he wears his trusted beanies! Someone just told me they're called toques. idk, I think that's fucked up.
lol I don't know why I included this. I think he wore a cardigan... once in 2009. But Ang told me to include it.
Okay, this isn't so much a thing, as much as I just like it a lot. :D
Never has something split Kris fans the way the scruff has. Personally? I think it-- Sigh, nevermind. I'll just let you decide for
2009: madison square garden
So one of the last gigs Kris had in 2009 was the Z100 Jingle Ball which was in MADISON FUCKING SQUARE GARDEN. I'm
so proud of him blah blah blah, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY. He was really hot. (What? It's a picspam! I'm here to talk about
how he's hot piece of dick, not about how he's a really swell guy. Get off my ass.)
Not a bad way to close out 2009, right?
tl;dr Kris Allen is a hot motherfucker.